For Ma'am

This morning I scened with Heidi.  She slapped, punched, kicked, bit and choked me; then fucked me hard with one of our larger dildos.  I came fast- the whole scene only lasted about 20 minutes (I think).   I cried some afterwards.  I had wanted her to take a picture of just my eyes with the tears, to post here, but I couldn’t speak well enough to ask.  (I was in subspace and pretty fuck-stupid.) 

 

She talked to me during the beat down about how she owns me, how her & Steve will do whatever they want to sexually- despite and maybe sometimes in spite of my wishes.  She talked about her jerking him off onto my face and then her licking it off.  About how “at the bottom” I am; how little control I have.  She talked about encouraging Master to cuck me again, very soon, and about how much they both love the pain it causes me.   It was a fantastic scene- something we did really need after we had a scene crash and burn a couple days back.  We both felt that we really re-connected today. 

 

I love her so much.  It’s a bit hard to explain our overall relationship to anyone.  From what you read here, you may think her to be completely cold and nasty- that is really not the case.  Even in our scening, she is very calculated about everything she says and does.  Since she has limited experience, she also does a lot of research into me, my psychology, previous experiences, and mechanics before trying new territory.  She also often consults Steve, and/or has him watch.  She did that even during the fall when Steve and I were going through a very rough patch.  She loves me a lot… Even as she is kicking my ass or raping me, or helping Steve cook up something to hurt me, I know without question that she loves me.  She loves me more, or at least more intensely when I am hurting, humiliated or crying, I think.  That is something which I am completely unable to understand, to be honest.  How can you love something so pathetic and weak?  I really don’t get it… from either her or my Master.  But they both do.

 

I feel very scared by her words about her activities with Master.  Scared and (god, this is SO gonna bite me in the ass) maybe a bit excited…  I mean, it’s a dangerous psychological game for them to play given Steve’s and my history- one that would likely leave me angry and resentful if employed to often.   But I trust them both to know what abuse is more than I can take and what is just right.  I would like to take this opportunity to request of them both- if you are going to do this to me… could you please just promise me to always provide me with something I can save from this sort of encounter together?  A recording, picture… anything?  Please?   (

[Via http://cuckqueanslavery.wordpress.com]

Sympatico?

Last night I met the man I’m going to marry!

Robert (RM) and I met online about 6 weeks ago and though I’ve felt my attraction to him growing over the weeks, I resisted meeting him in person for two reason, 1. There was a potential of meeting with DB, which has died a death since his non response to my message of last week) 2. I wanted to be sure that my feelings were not confused and on the back of talks I had had with DB, I would not dishonour someone by doing that.

Over the last  couple of week, RM has shown himself to be a man of principle, loyalty and chivalry; he actually offered to come pick me up from work last week when it was snowing quite heavily and I became scared about driving. When he said he was free to meet Sunday evening, I cancelled my plans with MK and waited with eager anticipation for 9pm. When RM eventually arrived (after taking several wrong turns around the confing bendy country lanes), I was completely breathless – which turned quickly into giggles. I knew he was tall (just over 6 feet), but I had no idea that he was so handsome, with the softest, most kind eyes I’ve seen on any man.

We sat and talked for a short while and then snuggled (with him sitting behind me, with me pulled in between his legs – his idea) with his arms around me as we began to watch The Story of O (his choice). I could tell from the way his face was nuzzling into my neck and hair, that he was not really watching the film; and I suspect that he could tell just how aroused I was becoming, between certain images in the film and his hand on my bare midriff. I loved that he wasn’t ‘trying it on’, but made it clear, in a very subtle way, that he wanted to make love.

When I asked if he was comfy (on my teeny sofa), he suggested we move to the bedroom and asked me to lead the way, which I more than happily did. From gentle carresses and soft kisses, what followed was loving and passionate, until we fell asleeep tightly embraced. When he left this morning, I felt contented and peaceful, he said he felt the same way. I’m still smiling as I remember moments from last night, how beautiful it was, how natural, how completely at ease and giving we were with each other.

If  ’sympatico’ really exists, then RM and I certainly have it.

[Via http://paradisegained.wordpress.com]

Daily Batman: The Cat and the Bat...girl (nsfw)

The Cat and the Bat girl do get up to some games, too. These cats and bats: it is kind of a Thing.

“Who Wants Saving?”

Pictures are part of the set “Cat Woman” by Sharon K Cooper, aka sosij on flickr.

“After A Night on the Tiles.”

Please note the Catwoman mask in Gidget’s hands. Hilarity. Also, where the where did those wonderful panties come from because I don’t have them yet and that is an Inexcusable Crime that I want to remedy as fast as possible.

“Holy Smokes.”

My wardrobe of Batclothes is ever-growing thanks to the combined efforts of Hot Topic and the Target little boys’ department, but without Nancy Droop* panties it is clearly still gross in lackage (I will never be done building my collection, and I hate it very much for the vain, materialistic, juvenile freak that it makes me, but I can’t fight it … it’s too deeply ingrained).

(one of these days I will comb back through the journal and see how many insult-nicknames I have called Batgirl/Barbara Gordon by this year alone.)

[Via http://thethoughtexperiment.wordpress.com]

75 - Undressed

You keep your clothes on – never get undressed

Show just enough to make me want to stay

But never give more than you need away

Maintain the fiction that you know what’s best

How cleverly you tease my interest

Suggesting so much more than you display -

And I fill up the gaps in what you say

With what I hope will one day be expressed:

While I go naked – totally exposed

I shout and scream my love into the air -

While you remain immaculately posed

I could go crazy and you wouldn’t care:

But this is also true: I couldn’t bear

To be so open, if you weren’t so closed.

[Via http://jnescio.wordpress.com]

Male-At-Birth Inclusive Kinky Women's Space

My experience at San Francisco’s Women’s BDSM Group The Exiles. The policy here is that anyone who does not identify as a man is welcome. That is revolutionary as it explicitly includes a male-bodied GenderQueer like Jasper. By barring the man identified, and incuding everyone else this group is redefining women’s space. Not only was it completely inclusive of me but it was also inclusive of bissexual women and straight women. Many of the groups who traditionally get excluded in in lesbian spaces which define the male-born as their ‘other’.

Yay, Yay, Yay! this is a big deal. The Exiles has set the bar for inclusive space.

[Via http://jasperswardrobe.wordpress.com]

2009 Wrap up

What happened in 2009? What were the changes, the significant events, the goals for next year?

Family

The relationship with my mom stayed the same, good as ever, and the bond with my dad grew a bit stronger, which was a welcome change. He also started to feel happier this year, which is an extremely good thing, after years of being somewhat depressed.

My grandparents moved into a apartment close to a home for elderly this year, after my grandmother had months of being in and out of the hospital. They are really getting old now, not going outside any more, and memory slowly going backwards. Which is not that strange, since they are 88 and 89 years old. It’s already an amazing achievement they managed to live by themselves for all these years.

I also started to get along with my aunt better. She is quite judgemental, which is difficult to deal with sometimes, but I manage to ignore that more and more, and focus on her good sides. We had an amazing weekend in Edinbrough, nicer than most of our weekends away in preceding years.

Friends

I met a lot of new people this year. Some of which I will probably grow closer to and develop a good friendship with in the next year, and some of which will stay at the borders of my life. My old friendships did not get as much attention as I would have liked. One of my friends moved away to another city in the end of 2008, so I saw way less of her than in the years before, and the other ‘university’-friends I also saw less, mostly due to busy schedules on my side. The same goes for my metalfriends. I’m extremely happy I’ll celebrate new year’s eve with them, because I missed them lots the past year.

Work/Study

I started on my master thesis this year, with a very interesting topic: media-influences on gender stereotypes. Everything is going as planned until now, but joining a action-platform against the reducing of funding by the government for education in general and students in particular, will probably cause slight delay next year.

This year I also started more new work-like volunteer things than ever before: I joined the editorial board for a magazine on gender en feminism, and wrote a few pieces for them as well (first time being published, yay!), I became a ticket-control-person for a music venue (best secondary benefits ever: always going to concerts for free, and more than 50% discount on drinks), and on the verge of this year I also started an internet-forum about bisexuality (which might even broaden itself to the topic of all ‘deviant’ kinds of sexuality and relationships).

Love

Still together with the boyfriend. There were some problems around the summer, but we solved them, and now we’re better than ever. And our future plans are getting more and more shape. Our relationship also became a bit more open this year, on our way to something more polyamourous. I also had a few crushes, and kissed a girl. Or two XD Nothing really substantial came from that, relationshipwise, but it was quite note-worthy nevertheless.

Spirituality

I wanted to start meditating more this year, so I recently did a short course, which was quite nice. I still don’t do it as often as I would like though… Also, I joined a internet-forum which has a down to earth view on spirituality to have some extra primer to muse on certain things. I’d like to get more into some non-fuzzy paganism, I think. Living closer to nature really appeals to me, especially foodwise, but also just in having more attention to the cycles of the seasons.

Music

I got more into medieval stuff, although I can’t name any bands, it’s more the style in general that really started to appeal to me. No new bands discovered this year, although I did get more into Sabaton, Turisas and Kate Nash than before.

My favourite performance of this year was Anathema, in my “own” venue. That concert kicked ass. They played all the favourites, came back twice after leaving, and the atmosphere was amazing.

Sex/bdsm

Relatively non-existent this year. I have never gone this long without intercourse since my first time at 16. This year I acknowledged I was raped by my ex-boyfriend Viking, and I started a very slow healing process, to heal all the hurt that was caused when people stepped over my boundaries. Bdsm came a bit back into my life, although it is still nowhere as important as it used to be. There are still a lot of fears to be conquered before all goes well in that area again.

Stuff that should be mentioned but did  not fit in any of the other categories

- I moved from a very sucky place to a much nicer place. Although it is a bit smaller, my landlord is way nicer than my former landlady. A relatively small change, that affected my life in a very positive sense.

- (Juice)fasting is not nice, and only makes me think about food. I am never going to try that again…

- More food-related stuff: I started eating meat again, after being a vegetarian for 11 years. I missed meat, but especially fish, a lot, and decided that that craving was too large to be ignored. I still don’t eat huge quantities of meat, and usually only when I’m at someone else’s place or at a restaurant.

Resolutions

I don’t really do resolutions, because I try to change stuff if I come across it during the year, not just at one point every 365 days. But well, since it is sort of obligatory:

- more meditation. My goal is to meditate daily (be it 5 minutes or a full hour), to be achieved before summer.

- paying more attention to my energy-level. I tend to overdo it, because there are so many amazing people and nice things to do in life. This goal is best operationalized as more time for myself without having to have to do stuff: each week, one day without appointments (may be a university-day).

- get (more) in touch with my sexual self again: there is some sort of plan now, the Master’s and Johnson approach, but now we (the boyfriend and I) need time and space to actually follow up on this plan. Which makes it very much connected with the goal before this one: more time for myself is more space in my head is more room for my sexuality

- Write more, for self-reflection, for my dairy, for my blog, poetry, stories, etc. No clear operationalized goal or deadline here, since that will decrease my creativity more than it will benefit from that.

- Spend less time behind the computer and read more, and cook/bake more. Which is also related to the energy-level goal, since the interwebs can grab you and take away all your energy. Mwahahaha!

[Via http://nuclearrainbow.wordpress.com]

Bad Blogs #1

12/20/2009- I upset Master by being immature about having to go in early to work. I was being very ungrateful, and should have appreciated the fact that I have a job that’s actually giving me hours.

12/21/2009- I upset Master by getting an attitude with him after I was leaving the mall. I made him feel like a jerk for thinking it was rude for me to be talking to friends while I had him on my cellphone.

[Via http://submissivewire.wordpress.com]

Drive your man crazy

This year for the holidays drive your man crazy,

Dear Santa.....

it’s time you put a little festive cheer into your light bondage play. If you want to add some color to bondage play, enjoy using this Plush Cuff Set. This set, with a holiday theme, includes everything you need. The set includes a pair of handcuffs, a pair of leg cuffs, a Santa’s hat and blindfold. So not only will your partner be under your control, but they will be stylish.

The cuffs are tethered by a chain and clip for easy adjustment. They use a Velcro closure for a comfortable fit on the wrists and legs.

[Via http://morethanjustknots.wordpress.com]

Breasts--We've Got 'Em

Breasts

Boobs

Tatas

Tits

Hooters

Delectable

[Via http://domdominique.wordpress.com]

More Docs Review by JBRoper

DOCS REVIEW BY JBROPER

Loved the background and the lighting quite a bit. The building provided lots of options. The camera angles were great as always. You really do have a knack at angles and editing that most bondage producers don’t have. I also loved the first glimpse of the Cannibal. The first grab of the girl was impressive, it was very quick and pure mainstream quality.

Also, the models were very attractive, especially the main model. (love the red fingernails too). Had to turn the sound down a bit, because the constant screaming might make my neighbor wonder.

Keep up the good work JB

JBROPER.COM

[Via http://bnsproductions.wordpress.com]

Great review of Bottoms Up: Spanking Good Stories at Feminist Review

I love this review by Lesley Kartali of Bottoms Up: Spanking Good Stories at Feminist Review:

There is an even mix of stories representing different perspectives: giving, receiving, fantasizing, and watching spanking. The majority of stories comprise male/female partnerships, though there are a few involving queer characters. Since openly male authors in this genre are apparently uncommon, this particular collection has mostly male authors.

One of the things I liked most is that many of the stories felt real in the sense that the characters were often experiencing the conflicting feelings of arousal, confusion, and guilt that often come with having a fetish. The sensation of pleasure mixed with pain is a major theme and, of course, is pretty much the basic idea of BDSM. The character in “Ass Worship,” for instance, is drawn to experiment with being spanked. He has many questions about it and is extremely nervous at first, unsure if he can actually go through with it.

Many of the stories involve a person’s first time being spanked or spanking someone else. Others involve such exciting and sometimes amusing subjects as swingers, Renaissance Fair fantasies, church frolicking, and (in the editor’s piece) a spanking machine. My very favorite story, “I’m Going to Grab Your Hair,” is written as though the author (and spanker) is “dirty talking” to the reader (and spankee). It is rough and nasty and thrilling. I’d never read an erotica piece in quite that style before.

[Via http://bottomsupbook.wordpress.com]

The top drop

About two weeks ago, the boyfriend and I went to a party again, at the same location as last time. We had a good time, played a little (there were ice cubes between my boob and my shirt and he put a chain between my nipple-piercings, poor nipples), and although I felt submissive at times, I never was deeply subby.

Note: I have not been deeply subby in about two years. A few times I went quite deep when in play, and I did do service-like things, but that was not common and those feelings where relatively rare and short-lived. So, it is not strange that it does not happen to me now, especially because we do not play that often and we both have some problems getting into our ‘roles’ and maintaining them.

So, everything went fine, until he asked me, out of nowhere, to kneel and kiss his boots. I was caught off guard, so my primal response was “No!”. For something like that I need to feel some level of subby-ness, and at that moment that was completely absent, because a little thing with the chained nipples had not gone well a few minutes before. The small issue had been solved, but I was still a bit grumpy (I do need a lot of reassurance when something goes wrong, even when it’s not a very big deal, I blame the asshole ex). My negative answer immediately made the boyfriend doubt himself, completely dropping out of his dominant state of mind that he had been in before. We left soon after, because we had both lost the mood to play or party.

A top drop. The plummeting of emotions into the negative spectrum regarding dominant feelings. Sometimes it entails feeling bad about the stuff the dominant did after the scene, sometimes it happens during a scene. It is difficult to overcome the lessons learned by our society: you do not hit other people, especially not if they are women. Raping, humiliating, using another human being are all Very Bad Things, that Normal People Just Don’t Do. Doing bdsm as a dominant goes against all those lessons, and even though you know you’re doing them with a consenting adult, does not make the bad feelings go away. Also, a top drop can be what the boyfriend experienced: a sudden doubt of the own capabilities as a dominant. Sometimes this follows the feelings as described above, but it can also stand on itself, like in our situation.

I’m not completely sure how to best deal with a partner with a top drop, it depends on how the partners ‘work’ with each other; some might want more physical reassurance (cuddling!) while some need some distant, while others want to talk about it immediately. The boyfriend and me talked about it when sitting in the car, I told him about the term, which helped him a bit, because labelling something shows that others have it too, which usually helps in accepting and moving on. Open communication is the best advise I can give here. As a submissive: tell your dominant you like the things he/she does to you, that it makes you feel good. As a dominant: ask your submissive for his/her feedback, and be open about your feelings.

After all, everyone is human and needs reassurance every once in a while, especially when you’re doing Very Bad Things which also happen to be Very Nice.

Disclaimer: this is all written from personal experience or stories from other. I have not done research on this, although that would be a nice to do. Too bad I would probably not get funds for it…

[Via http://nuclearrainbow.wordpress.com]

Headaches

I get these killer tension headaches. They start low, at the base of my skull and wind their way up across the top of my head. Sometimes I can catch them early and a few well swallowed Excedrin help keep the worst of it away.  I am the first to admit that I have a very stressful life. Between work, school, the husband, children and everything else, I am surprised I haven’t had an aneurysm. Suffice it to say, there is no question as to why they rip through me on a daily basis.

Here’s a little bit of interesting physiological information. “A range of theories exists as to the etiology and attraction of BDSM (APA, 2000; Masters et al., 1995; Weinberg, 1995). Clinical and lay views on the practice of BDSM range from its being a form of normal, healthy sexuality, to being reflective of issues related to vulnerability and intimacy, to its being synonymous with mental illness.” (http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_go1613/is_1_15/ai_n29248689/pg_2/?tag=content;col1) There is a fine line between the pain and pleasure centers in the brain. When a person has an abnormally high threshold of pain, it is fairly easy for the release of endorphins to be interpreted by the body as pleasurable even when those endorphins are released as a pain response in the body.

Here’s the thing… for me the massive release of endorphins not only lessens my headaches, but obliterates them, often for days. I have been told I have a high pain threshold. Never having experienced anything else, I can’t tell you if there is truth in that statement. Strangely enough, I’m not a fan of pain. Yes my body responds to it, revels in it in fact, but the physical sensation of pain has never excited me. It is that moment after the pain is inflicted that my body swoons into blissful oblivion. When pain and pleasure are mixed together I go sailing off the edge of the cliff and absolutely nothing on this planet can equal the wonderfully safe and comfortable feeling I experience in that moment.

[Via http://bbwneedsitnow.wordpress.com]

I Want Him To Dominate Me

In the absence of that ideal lover I dream of in my fantasies, I want my own husband to dominate me. I want him to take charge and be the kind of man who knows what he wants, who is confident of himself, who knows precisely what he wants and how he’s going to get it. I want him to be the kind of man who is in control of his life and his destiny, and a man who can possess my own life and dictate it. At least behind the bedroom doors for now.

I want a man’s man. A man who knows where he’s heading, knows where he wants to be in five years’ time. A man who leads, who chases after goals, who knows how a man should be and how a woman should be in his presence. A man who does not dice words. A man of few words, in fact, but plenty of action. I want a man who is braver than me, stronger than me, more willful than me. A man I can respect and fear.

[Via http://pleasurechemical.wordpress.com]