About two weeks ago, the boyfriend and I went to a party again, at the same location as last time. We had a good time, played a little (there were ice cubes between my boob and my shirt and he put a chain between my nipple-piercings, poor nipples), and although I felt submissive at times, I never was deeply subby.
Note: I have not been deeply subby in about two years. A few times I went quite deep when in play, and I did do service-like things, but that was not common and those feelings where relatively rare and short-lived. So, it is not strange that it does not happen to me now, especially because we do not play that often and we both have some problems getting into our ‘roles’ and maintaining them.
So, everything went fine, until he asked me, out of nowhere, to kneel and kiss his boots. I was caught off guard, so my primal response was “No!”. For something like that I need to feel some level of subby-ness, and at that moment that was completely absent, because a little thing with the chained nipples had not gone well a few minutes before. The small issue had been solved, but I was still a bit grumpy (I do need a lot of reassurance when something goes wrong, even when it’s not a very big deal, I blame the asshole ex). My negative answer immediately made the boyfriend doubt himself, completely dropping out of his dominant state of mind that he had been in before. We left soon after, because we had both lost the mood to play or party.
A top drop. The plummeting of emotions into the negative spectrum regarding dominant feelings. Sometimes it entails feeling bad about the stuff the dominant did after the scene, sometimes it happens during a scene. It is difficult to overcome the lessons learned by our society: you do not hit other people, especially not if they are women. Raping, humiliating, using another human being are all Very Bad Things, that Normal People Just Don’t Do. Doing bdsm as a dominant goes against all those lessons, and even though you know you’re doing them with a consenting adult, does not make the bad feelings go away. Also, a top drop can be what the boyfriend experienced: a sudden doubt of the own capabilities as a dominant. Sometimes this follows the feelings as described above, but it can also stand on itself, like in our situation.
I’m not completely sure how to best deal with a partner with a top drop, it depends on how the partners ‘work’ with each other; some might want more physical reassurance (cuddling!) while some need some distant, while others want to talk about it immediately. The boyfriend and me talked about it when sitting in the car, I told him about the term, which helped him a bit, because labelling something shows that others have it too, which usually helps in accepting and moving on. Open communication is the best advise I can give here. As a submissive: tell your dominant you like the things he/she does to you, that it makes you feel good. As a dominant: ask your submissive for his/her feedback, and be open about your feelings.
After all, everyone is human and needs reassurance every once in a while, especially when you’re doing Very Bad Things which also happen to be Very Nice.
Disclaimer: this is all written from personal experience or stories from other. I have not done research on this, although that would be a nice to do. Too bad I would probably not get funds for it…
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