This morning I scened with Heidi. She slapped, punched, kicked, bit and choked me; then fucked me hard with one of our larger dildos. I came fast- the whole scene only lasted about 20 minutes (I think). I cried some afterwards. I had wanted her to take a picture of just my eyes with the tears, to post here, but I couldn’t speak well enough to ask. (I was in subspace and pretty fuck-stupid.)
She talked to me during the beat down about how she owns me, how her & Steve will do whatever they want to sexually- despite and maybe sometimes in spite of my wishes. She talked about her jerking him off onto my face and then her licking it off. About how “at the bottom” I am; how little control I have. She talked about encouraging Master to cuck me again, very soon, and about how much they both love the pain it causes me. It was a fantastic scene- something we did really need after we had a scene crash and burn a couple days back. We both felt that we really re-connected today. 
I love her so much. It’s a bit hard to explain our overall relationship to anyone. From what you read here, you may think her to be completely cold and nasty- that is really not the case. Even in our scening, she is very calculated about everything she says and does. Since she has limited experience, she also does a lot of research into me, my psychology, previous experiences, and mechanics before trying new territory. She also often consults Steve, and/or has him watch. She did that even during the fall when Steve and I were going through a very rough patch. She loves me a lot… Even as she is kicking my ass or raping me, or helping Steve cook up something to hurt me, I know without question that she loves me. She loves me more, or at least more intensely when I am hurting, humiliated or crying, I think. That is something which I am completely unable to understand, to be honest. How can you love something so pathetic and weak? I really don’t get it… from either her or my Master. But they both do.
I feel very scared by her words about her activities with Master. Scared and (god, this is SO gonna bite me in the ass) maybe a bit excited… I mean, it’s a dangerous psychological game for them to play given Steve’s and my history- one that would likely leave me angry and resentful if employed to often. But I trust them both to know what abuse is more than I can take and what is just right. I would like to take this opportunity to request of them both- if you are going to do this to me… could you please just promise me to always provide me with something I can save from this sort of encounter together? A recording, picture… anything? Please? 
(
No comments:
Post a Comment