Dear Hitler...

With our regular advice columnist on, let’s call it “hiatus” (and Ashley Dupre accepting a position at the Post), former totalitarian leader and head of the National Socialist German Workers Party, Adolf Hitler, will be filling in on a trial basis (while, simultaneously, burning in hell). So… let’s go to the mailbag!

Dear Hitler,

We’ve recently remodeled our home, but aren’t happy with the expanse of the kitchen, dining room and family room. Any suggestions?

Signed,

Remodel Citizen

Dear Citizen,

There’s lots you can do to make a large space more cozy. Painting the ceiling a darker color or installing architectural details like beams can help create more interest. A long sofa (perhaps in a nice khaki?) and sofa-back table can also help separate the dining area from the living area while still keeping the connection between spaces. Heil.

•••

Dear Hitler,

I attended your lecture at the Museum of Sex on Friday and wanted to say that it was very helpful, thank you. I also wanted to ask about dog collars.

Signed,

Bill O’Reilly

Dear Bill,

Take a number.

•••

Dear Hitler,

I’m getting married next spring to a wonderful woman with a ten-year-old son. She would like him to be in the wedding as a Junior Groomsman, but I’m not so sure.

Signed,

Conflicted in Chula Vista

Dear Conflicted,

Don’t cock-block the kid. If he’s interested, it could be a nice touch, and make for an even more memorable day for the two of you. Mazel tov.

•••

Dear Hitler,

I work hard to keep my lawn beautiful, but am getting tired of all the little “gifts” from my neighbor’s dog. I’ve spoken to him (the neighbor, not the dog) many times but he just shrugs it off. My town has a “pooper-scooper” law but it only applies to public spaces. Can you suggest anything?

Signed,

Pooped in Plattsburgh

Dear Pooped,

Focus on removing your opponent’s C3I — command, communications, control, and intelligence — to paralyze and incapacitate rather than destroy their combat power directly. And I hear that bitter-apple stuff works wonders.

•••

Dear Hitler,

Last weekend, my husband and I arrived late to the opera, only to find another couple in our seats. He wanted to ask them to move, but I suggested we sit in two empty seats a few rows back. Who was right?

Signed,

Wagner Woe

Dear Woe,

While it’s perfectly acceptable to ask people to move at a Knicks game (try a gently-worded, “We’re a bit tardy, but I do believe these are our seats, douchebag”), if you’re late to a concert or a play, I would suggest you rely on the theater usher to decide if you need to wait for intermission to claim your seats without making noise and bothering others. (And did you just love Der Ring des Nibelungen? Big fan.)

•••

If you have a question for Hitler, write to Josh. He thought this was a good idea. I’m having second thoughts.

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