March Madness: Fran Gerard, Miss March 1967

I was fortunate enough to stumble over the entire original layout and spread of the Playboy issue featuring the very lovely and very talented Ms. Fran Gerard, Miss March 1967.

Photographed by Mario Casilli and Gene Trindl. (Color work by Casilli, B&W shots by Trindl, according to the orig. spread’s credits)

We predict a sparkling future for our heavenly-bodied Miss March. Generously configured Fran Gerard is a girl for the stars. “We’re forever searching the cosmos for new meanings.” (“Stars In Her Eyes,” Playboy, March 1967.)

The specs-sporting young Ms. Gerard worked as an astrologer’s assistant (zodiac quackery rears its head AGAIN) in L.A. at the time of her appearance, so they made a big deal out of that.

But the main thing of her is that she is tied right up there with Janet Lupo, Cynthia Myers, etc, for the largest natural breasts ever to be featured in Playboy.

As it was quite sometime before Janet, Cyndi, Roberta Vasquez, Alana Soares, et al came along to potentially unseat Ms. Gerard as undisputed mammary queen (I am not bothering to list the silicone sweethearts whose plastic racks match the numbers in name only and never rate so high in the eyes of the lord), she has understandably enjoyed long-lasting and tremendous fame in the Playboy world.

A “little looker,” her Playmate data sheet reports she was just 5′2″ tall at the time of her appearance in the magazine at age 21. Holy chumbuckets, I cannot even imagine the back trouble the girl had to have had by age 30. Sorry if that deglamourizes things, but dang. That’s some serious rackage to haul around for a chick that only weighed around 110.

More than just a pretty face hovering over likely-uncomfortably-giant knockers, Ms. Gerard was a genuinely swingin’ chick with a good head on her small shoulders. And great taste in music!

Our plenipotent Playmate is as versant with combos as with cosmos: “Charlie Parker’s ‘Ornithology’ was the greatest single ever made,” says Fran, “and I think E.S.P. by Miles Davis is the best LP.” Sinatra is her favorite singer, especially “Cottage for Sale.” (Ibid.)

She says, “[I] like artists Marc Chagall and Salvador Dali. They capture so much of the glory of the universe in their work, but I don’t think I’m being stuffy: I like ‘Batman,’ too!” (Ibid.)

“Batman”? Heyoooo! Actually, I have also always liked Chagall’s work, especially this one piece he did that told a Russian folk tale, if I’m remembering rightly… Maybe later this week I’ll throw up some stuff about him.

Fran credits another favorite, a book, with being the source of all this happiness and satisfaction. “It’s The Magic of Believing by C. M. Bristol. It helps you to think positively.” (Ibid.)

Fran’s favorite book is still in print. It is also available for purchase as an ebook. Here’s an excerpt from the first few paragraphs:Is there some force, or factor, or power, or science—call it what you will—which a few people understand and use to overcome their difficulties and achieve outstanding success? I firmly believe that there is, and it is my purpose in this book to try to explain it so that you can use it if you desire.

Around 1933 the financial editor of a great Los Angeles newspaper attended lectures I gave to financial men in that city and read my brochure T.N.T.—It Rocks the Earth. Afterwards, he wrote, “You have caught from the ether something that has a mystical quality—a something that explains the magic of coincidence, the mystery of what makes men lucky.”

(source, and please do not consider the link an endorsement)

Wow, what is amazing about that is it could have been written, like, yesterday, except replace “1933″ in the suspiciously specious and detail-lacking anecdote with “2003.” I did not think people were marketing murky bullshit that long ago, but I live to be surprised. I should’ve known, I suppose, given all the snake oil salesmen and shenaniganizers who’ve always walked this earth conning money out of suckers. Like the rightly revered Msr. Barnum observed, there is one born every minute.

I think I will try my hand at tossing off a few sentences. A few years ago, I was addressing a colony of junebugs at an annual meeting. After the meeting, a junebug who had just been raised to upper hive-management approached me and invited me to have a drink. He told me that he had seen me speak at a junebug team-building conference near an abandoned swingset only six months earlier, and had returned to his nest eager to apply the Simple Principles that I teach. Within just a few months, he had already been promoted above his boss and was handling new junebug regions of management!

Like so many countless others that I have been happy to help, this junebug told me in that hotel bar that he would have never believed the success and accomplishments he would achieve in such a short time just by following these three simple steps to harnessing the power of YOUR potential to do Great Things!

(E., Right Here, Right Now.)

How did that sound? Would you buy my shit? No? I’m huge in junebug circles, picking up sales in bee hives, and keep it between us but I think I’m about to crack the highly elusive ladybug market. (What I am saying is that I think this is all fishsticks and curried potatoes, this malarkey. Positive thinking is very powerful, yes, and important to your overall well-being, but so is hustling your buns to earn a simple living and have rich relationships with loved ones rather than sucking down cultish nonsense like coca-cola and craving weird amounts of power through ESP. Mad love and respect to Ms. Gerard, but come on.)

I think this is the best shot of the lot.

The positively smashing Miss Gerard’s idea of a perfect man? Clark Gable. “Remember him as Rhett Butler in Gone with the Wind? He was too much,” says Fran appreciatively. (“Stars In Her Eyes.”)

Yes, I particularly enjoyed the scene where he got ten kinds of drunk and told Scarlett he was going to crush her head like a walnut, slapped her around a little, and then took her upstairs for some rough sex. You’re probably thinking that is some feminist, critical statement mired in sarcasm: you are sadly wrong. I’m messed up I guess, but I think that saucy Scarlett needs slapped around pretty much every goddamned minute of the day and Rhett was born for the job. They are a nasty, scheming, firey-eyed match made in hell and I think it makes an excellent and exciting love story, in a very dark and ugly way for which it seldom gets credit. So, today I say to you, Margaret Mitchell: Well done, sir.

The man who did the b&w work for this spread, Gene Trindl, was best known as a photographer for TV Guide. He shot over 800 spreads for them, and 200 covers. Dang, right? He died of pancreatic cancer June 29, 2004, two years after my cousin Tom and thirty-seven years after Jayne Mansfield. RIP, Mr. Trendl.

TURN-ONS: High fashion, antiques.

TURNOFFS: Arrogance, people and their trivial problems.

(Playmate datasheet.)

Um … you hate arrogance, but you also hate people and their “trivial problems”? Okay. The kettle called … said something about how you are the black one? No need to call back.

DID YOU KNOW? I’m an assistant to astrologer Jack Gemini.

PEOPLE I ADMIRE: My parents, for the great job they did raising me.

FAVORITE MUSIC: Jazz.

(Ibid.)

I have googled the crap out of Jack Gemini, John Gemini, LA Astrologers in the 1960’s, and am coming up triple goose eggs. If you got a line on him, I’m interested.

So many thousands of thanks to my usual sources but in this case also special singling out for lovin’s to dear Fabrizio, an awesome and generous moderator over at the vintage erotica forums, from whom the majority of these great shots came!

Bello, sono incredibili, e grazie sempre per tutte immagini meravigliose. Molti baci, ♥ mua-mua! I owe you big-time, my good man, and I strongly encourage readers to swing over to the forums. They’re free, well-moderated, full of fun, and they won’t give your computer any wack infections or the hantavirus. Enjoy!

Here are the scans of the original b&w article accompanying the gatefold and color spread.

[Via http://thethoughtexperiment.wordpress.com]

Good Talks About Sex!

Recently I have had about 3 or 4 really good talks about sex, BDSM and all that kind of stuff with friends.

One friend, who is also a submissive shared experiences, and even wants to hook me up with some of her former lovers! haha. I know that’s a disaster waiting to happen.

Anyways, the best conversation I had though was with a girl who I used to work with. She recently told me that she used to be a domme for 6 years, while she was in college. She told me she’s not a lifestyle domme, but did give me some suggestions about where to go to meet people who might be interested in BDSM in the same way as I am. It is something I need, but I’m also a regular person, with a regular job, and lofty goals. So basically, I would want to be with someone who is not like, a “scenester.” I could even be with someone who has like never tried it before,  but would be open to doing it once in a while.

The adventure continues.

[Via http://anonymousandcandid.wordpress.com]

Kid in a candy store

The summer after I turned 13 was the first time I actually said the big swear words out loud rather than spelling them (yeah, I was that kid).  Out with my girlfriends, fuck was the all-purpose word and was added to pretty much every sentence that came out of my mouth the entire summer.  Every pause was punctuated with fuck, so naturally it showed up in the most inane places.  Right now I’m feeling about the same with BDSM.

Since we’ve hit a revival that includes lots of new and shiny things, we have been reveling in all things BDSM.  When we are alone, we fall into the stylized language that includes lots of Master’s and profuse thanks for the smallest of things.  Hearing him call me pet or his girl is incredibly arousing and makes me feel almost absurdly happy.  We even went so far as to change our Fet statuses to reflect our new dynamic.  When I hit submit on the box that changed my status from Collared by to Owned and Collared by I almost came right then and there – those words held that much power.  The same thing happened when I asked to add Slave of.

The Master’s and the pet’s are  not only fun because of their newness, but one slipped into regular conversation changes the tone to reflect the new levels of openness and trust we’ve created.  To get that extra little shiver when he slips in a half-whispered my girl to what he’s saying, or my mouthing Master from across the room reinforce our little secret.

Thankfully, my husband feels similarly and while it can be really hot to do, he’s just as happy to stick to our old standbys when we are just relaxing together.  There is a temptation to do this all the time, but frankly I would find it not only tedious after a while but nerve wracking as well – having to always be on like that would be exhausting and I’d be constantly worried about slipping up.

So yeah, I want to play with all our new shiny things, but at the same time I don’t want to have to go through every blog post making sure I always refer to him as Him or Master, or to be worried that I’m going to be taken to task for it.  It’s probably just as well that he’s sick today, we need an enforced night off.  Even though we know it’s needed those shiny things literally beg to be played with no matter how tired you might be.  It’ll be nice to just be husband and wife again for a night.  Our shiny playthings will still be there tomorrow.

[Via http://2ndhoneymoon.wordpress.com]

Honest

A year before I met my slave (precious), I had discovered how important the Lifestyle would be for me. And because I was only beginning to learn about the lifestyle, and what my role could possibly be in it, all of my time was spent online. I met My precious on line, in a virtual world called Second Life. She was the smartest of any of the girls I had been “talking” to, and we grew together. I introduced her to her submissive side, and I felt fully comfortable accepting her eventual submission to me as my slave.

When I met my slave, I created a profile on FetLife and claimed that I was doing very well in a 24/7, TPE, Master/slave relationship that is also a long distance one. However, we only communicate via our computers, and have never met in person. We have maintained contact using internet chat and voice, essentially all day, and every day since we met, but we naturally wish our physical circumstances were much more favorable. Our intimacy was enjoyed in our vivid imaginations and it challenged our skills of communication between us.

However, I found it difficult to discuss that having my physical needs met was crucial to my being a healthy Dom. I initially did not hide, but instead tried to be frank and candid with my precious slave. Although I remained honest about my personal physical needs with her at that time, I feel as though the issue remained wholly unresolved and hidden since then. It was easier to enjoy My precious while we were together (on-line, as usual), than it was to create disruption by discussing something that couldn’t be resolved without hurting her. She had stated her understanding of my needs, but I believe she did not accept that I would seek to meet them without her. Of course this hurt her, and it brought into question feelings that could jeapardize any relationship beyond repair: issues of trust, and commitment. Sadly, I believe that hurting her was totally unavoidable. I felt that hiding these feelings damaged our relationship, yet I would not allow a discussion about them disrupt the wonderful experiences we had together every day.

Separately, through email and chat beginning a year ago, I met a girl who I already knew from back when we were kids. I grew close to her, because I was teaching her to discover her submissive side as well. She eventually (and more recently) became My babygirl. The time I spent with babygirl in chat changed quickly to phone, and then within a few months, became plans for a weekend visit to her home, when I decided to drive six hours to see her. I think the pace was not so surprising, mainly because of my eighteen month personal dry spell, and the question became only for what distance was I willing to drive to end the drought. Details of our time together and the experiences we both had are insanely hot. Any significant bumps along the way had primarily to do with my dedication to being the owner of my precious slave, and the conflicted feelings I had about my physical needs and desires, versus feelings of faithfulness to My precious.

The purpose of writing this now, is to be honest with myself, and provide myself with some self respect. I believe I can save and heal the relationship I have with My precious in England, and I can nurture it. And also nurture the relationship I have with My babygirl at the same time. This is something I have struggled with ever since meeting My babygirl. I had no idea how either relationship would grow, and hoped for the best. Separately, each relationship on its own has grown to be very desirable today. But together, this has complicated my life and also theirs. I owe it to all three of us to be honest and straightforward as much as possible, and as quickly as possible.

Now, I need to find a way to put the pieces together in a healthier way. I need to come clean with My precious, even though she might get hurt. I believe that we can thrive someday soon, even though things are quite messy for us today. It will take a great deal of care and sensitivity on my part, and a great deal of forgiveness on hers. I can not deny my own needs just for her, by committing to abstain from intimacy with My babygirl, or anyone else. I refuse abstinence – is that selfish of me? Or is it selfish of her to insist upon establishing a commitment between us, that I abstain from intimacy until we finally meet in person? Without making selfishness the issue, I believe it is more selfish trying to control the activities of another person, than for that person to refuse to be controlled.

This weekend I went to a barbecue and met some people who are members of FetLife, and to whom I can connect through FetLife and can enjoy getting to know them. If she looks, My precious will easily find them within my profile friends. She will easily look to see that they are within the same geographic area, and that I met many during the same weekend. And so she will identify the activities I have been reluctant to tell her about.

The profile in FetLife remains to this day, showing that I am Master to My precious slave. But I am at a turning point, now, because I have met people in person, who are also in FetLife, and I would like to make the connections with them in this network. I need to do something, because I have sheltered My precious from elements that would make her sad. For example, imagining her Master with someone else in a Dom/sub relationship of any kind, would hurt her, and she has been hurt by this in the past. Unfortunately, I can not protect her from this hurt any longer. The long distance relationship is no longer something that will hide the activities that I do without her. I need to be honest with her and with Myself.

~:~ ~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~:~ ~:~

[Via http://sirzoomer.wordpress.com]

Punish yourself

A couple days ago, Frank called the dogs over for a lesson on personal responsibility and, waiting a moment for them to rush over (which they didn’t), he ended the lesson and asked me if I had anything to add.  I said, ‘Don’t go to your father for personal responsibility.”  And then I heard myself.  Did I just say that?  Do I bury such resentment in me?  But I knew Frank was making such strides in the past few months.  Fuck, I hate myself.

Sometimes I hear myself saying awful things to Frank and, a moment after I feel incredible remorse and shock at myself and have apologized profusely, I wait for Frank’s response and wonder why he hasn’t become furious with me.  Is it because he’s come to expect hearing awful things from me?  Is it because he accepted my apology immediately, knowing I was sincerely contrite?  Is it because I’m merely voicing complaints he’s always attacking himself with?  Whatever the reason, it doesn’t make me feel better and I continue to apologize, hoping he’ll reinforce how unacceptable it is what I say sometimes.  But he, too, knows I’m already cringing.

What’s worse than anything I say just a moment before is when I blurt out, “Don’t hit me,” which sometimes pops out of my mouth in public even, not that he’s ever hit me or ever would, but because growing up I was hit by my parents and in college dated guys whom I allowed to slap me and, therefore, still reflexively expect others to hit me when they were upset with me.  I wish I could go to a therapist where I was confronted by an irate person with his hand raised and I had to learn not to wince or flinch when he moved.  But thinking that is sick, isn’t it?  I suppose you can escape the dom, but the sub doesn’t escape you.

A couple years ago, Delilah had a pee accident on the living room floor and, about fifteen minutes later, after Frank had cleaned it up, my mother came by to bring over some groceries for us.  When she asked where Delilah was (since Delilah always rushes to the door and barks when anyone visits the apartment), we looked about us and saw that she was sitting in her kennel, as if giving herself a time-out.  My first thought was how cute it was, but after we’d explained what had happened to my mom, she put on her school voice and praised Delilah for being such a good girl, knowing when she had done wrong, and I felt sick.  Was such self-punishment an advanced behavior Delilah shared with good children and had I simply been raised to cower like a dog?  I have a sense it was the latter.

I still let Sophie nip at me, but I sneeze on her when she goes too far

[Via http://yuliasspecialplace.wordpress.com]

Sever(al) Motions

Someone’s Clearly Not On The Same Page

Whatever else can be said, this week’s motions have clarified one question…and raised multiple new ones.

First, the question answered: how would the defense counter the prosecution’s filing of “Uncharged Conduct 1″?

The government’s blueprint was assertive and the case brought by AUSA Glenn Kirschner and his deputy Patrick Martin was broad and bold.  The defense’s response?

Tepid.  Where-ever one may come down in this case, it seems apparent the prosecution is, for the moment, on the move… painting its theory in crimson brush strokes.   In contrast, their opponents at present appear in a crouched position, simultaneously defensive but also intent on setting several small legal brush fires.

Whether substantive or merely distracting, it’s hard to know what secrets lie behind these motions.  And brush fires can die out or ignite a conflagration, depending on conditions.

But we have new questions, and possibly new fuel to be added to the fire.

Of the three Motions for Severance, two are remarkably similar.  Only if by similar you mean nearly identical – they being the motions for Joseph Price and Dylan Ward.   How similar is similar?  How about word for word?

To be fair there are a few differences.  For example, paragraph #4 of the Ward motion adds the end sentence:

“Certain portions of each defendant’s statement are videotaped.”

A helpful, if grammatically challenged, reminder that certain portions of Ward’s interrogation were not taped.  Again, nice work MPD A/V Club.

But similarities – down to duplicated paragraph after paragraph – are the rule here.  So much so that Section A is listed as “Introduction of His Co-Defendants’ Statements violates Mr. Price’s Sixth Amendment Confrontation Clause Rights” – in both motions.  Whoops.

Unsurprisingly, the arguments for severance are the same and go something like this.   The Sixth Amendment grants the accused, among other things, the right to confront and cross-examine testimonial evidence brought against them.   Prosecutors can’t just bring hearsay and leave it at that.

But because part of the government’s case involves statements made by the three that – the government says – demonstrate intent to mislead and confuse, and thus demonstrate guilt of the charges brought, no one of the three will be able to contest statements made by the other two.  Hence, a violation of each of their Sixth Amendment rights under the confrontation clause and then need to Sever.  Or something.

(Granted, legal eagles will find much more meat, and will likely point out the many errors and oversights in reasoning here.  Do be kind.)

All three defendants  made much of not being mirandized.  But only in Zaborsky’s motion does this appear – twice:

“The MPD also subjected Zaborsky himself to interrogation the night of Wone’s death without advising him of his Miranda rights and in defiance of his request for counsel.” (emphasis ours)

Defiance?  Not the good cop/bad cop head games we saw played with Ward, but outright refusal to provide counsel on request?  Shocking if true…we would have hoped even the MPD would know enough to put down the rubber hose at this point.

If severance were granted, a new issue pops up – would the separate defendants be able to call each other to the stand?  Perhaps, but this seems complicated by Victor and Joe’s domestic partnership.  It’s our understanding that a spouse cannot be compelled to testify against their partner.  As for Dylan…but this is all speculation.

What’s not speculative is the vastly different filing brought by Victor.  The break with the other two begins at paragraph #5:

“The government seized a variety of items from the Swann Street residence, including, inter alia, a variety of items used by individuals engaged in bondage and domination (“B&D”) practices.”

B&D?  Is that supposed to sound better than S&M?  Continuing…

“The government has indicated its intent to introduce and rely upon the B&D evidence.  Neither the government nor any of the Defendants has asserted that Zaborsky engaged in B&D practices or had any connection to the B&D evidence recovered in the case.”

The motion employs some similar arguments and case law, but is clearly a different construction, based as much around the right to confront as it is the importance to Victor of not being linked the wealth of evidence of Joe and Dylan’s sexual activities on Swann.  Reading all three motions, it’s possible to question if Victor’s motion came first…and Joe and Dylan’s motions were the rapid response.

And one begins to wonder if something deeper than just different legal arguments is stirring here.  Consider: all three moving to be tried separately. Increasing attention to Michael’s activities the night of the murder.  More space emerging between Victor and Joe’s legal strategies.  Victor and Joe arriving at the courthouse at different times,with Joe departing in one direction and Victor and Dylan in another.

And just where was Aunt Marcia at January’s status hearing?

On Monday, something we’ve been working on for a while.  An update on the Trouple.

-posted by Doug

[Via http://whomurderedrobertwone.com]

5. Pride & Prideful

Pride and Prideful.

Explain what each means and how they differ. Also explain how they relate to being a kajira. A minimum of 5,000 words.

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This is going to be a fun essay… not. For those of you that dont make it to the bottom, its about 2500 short.

Angillicbrat has an essay on this one – although minus one of the zeros… not a bad one either – very succinct. Read further down her page and you find she is a second life character, pity really. It makes me wonder how much of the character is contained within the real person.  I hope from what I read a lot is contained in the person, I have a real disdain for playsluts.

 Anyway, a definition of pride and pridefulness according to Wordnet, a Princeton University lexical database of English is:

Noun

• S: (n) pride, pridefulness (a feeling of self-respect and personal worth)
• S: (n) pride (satisfaction with your (or another’s) achievements) “he takes pride in his son’s success”
• S: (n) pride (the trait of being spurred on by a dislike of falling below your standards)
• S: (n) pride (a group of lions)
• S: (n) pride, superbia (unreasonable and inordinate self-esteem (personified as one of the deadly sins))

Verb

• S: (v) pride, plume, congratulate (be proud of) “He prides himself on making it into law school”

 

The Merriam-Webster online dictionary has pride defined as:

Main Entry: 1pride

Pronunciation: \ˈprīd\

Function: noun

Etymology: Middle English, from Old English prȳde, from prūd proud — more at proud

Date: before 12th century

1 : the quality or state of being proud: as a : inordinate self-esteem : conceit b : a reasonable or justifiable self-respect c : delight or elation arising from some act, possession, or relationship

2 : proud or disdainful behaviour or treatment : disdain

3 a : ostentatious display b : highest pitch : prime

4 : a source of pride : the best in a group or class

5 : a company of lions

6 : a showy or impressive group

My own understanding of pride is an emotion, which depending on the context can be either a positive emotion that is the product of praise for a task completed well, or something internally generated through self-reflection, for me, normally going hand in hand with a sense of achievement. In the positive aspect, pride is known as virtuous pride, greatness of soul or magnanimity. However pride can also be seen as a vice or sin, seen as having an overly high opinion of oneself, as vanity, vainglory or hubris.

I find it interesting that Nietzsche saw pride as an example of a previous, master set of morals that had been replaced with slave moralities. In this, pride is seen as good, because it acknowledges the good and the noble, rejecting the weak and insipid. Without pride, Nietzsche argued, we will remain subservient.  I really find the last sentence interesting, especially in the context of Master/kajira relationships.

“There is a difference,” laughed Hassan, “between the pride of a free woman and the pride of the slave girl. The pride of a free woman is the pride of a woman who feels herself to be the equal of a man. The pride of the slave girl is the pride of the girl who knows that no other woman is the equal of herself.

Tribesmen of Gor, e-book edition, page 573.

 In everything that is read, in the John Norman books, in real life Gorean Master or slave blogs, pride is seen as a necessary, welcomed aspect of being a kajira. A kajira’s pride stemming from knowing that in her Master’s eyes, no woman is her equal. That she pleases her Master in everything she does, that His pleasure is the driving force within her… Yet Nietzsche sees a person without pride to be subservient…  I am now very curious to explore Nietzsche more, but I know that would take me a few weeks to get hold of the relevant texts, read them and formulate my own opinions based on what his reasoning is for this. *grins* looks like I have found a little more bedtime reading again! 

Gestures that demonstrate pride are many and can involve a lifting of the chin, smiles, or arms on hips to demonstrate victory. There is a lot of research into pride and displays of this and some research shows that the nonverbal expression of pride conveys a message that is automatically seen and processed by others regarding a person’s high social status in a group. Behaviourally, pride is shown by an expanded posture in which the head is tilted back and the arms extended out from the body. This postural display is innate and it is even shown in congenitally blind individuals who lack the opportunity to see it in others.

Definitions of prideful on the Web:

• disdainful: having or showing arrogant superiority to and disdain of those one views as unworthy; “some economists are disdainful of their …
• exultant: joyful and proud especially because of triumph or success; “rejoicing crowds filled the streets on VJ Day”; “a triumphal success”; “a triumphant shout”
  
  wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn
• Full of pride
  
  en.wiktionary.org/wiki/prideful
• pridefulness – pride: a feeling of self-respect and personal worth
  
  wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn
• pridefulness – The state or condition of being prideful; pride
  
  en.wiktionary.org/wiki/pridefulness
• pridefully – In a prideful or haughty manner
  
  en.wiktionary.org/wiki/pridefully

 

The event that led to this particular essay being set though was not me being proud of an accomplishment I had achieved, or of being proud to serve or be with my Master… It was an event, a moment in the first two weeks of be separated from my husband. I was angry, upset and not in a good place at all… yes, I had just achieved something, but I was not proud because of my achievement, but proud out of blind anger, out of other people thinking I was incapable of doing a certain task or believing if I did it, I would be inadequate in the result. I was the negative aspect of proud, I was filled with an “I can cope perfectly well alone” – “I don’t damn well need anyone” type of proud. I was prideful.  The thing I am thankful for is it only took a few words of caution from my Master for me to realise my attitude and come back from that place. I am glad he corrected me and so quickly, I know if it had been in the morning, when he is asleep, it would have taken more than a quick evaluation of my attitude for me to retract… I would have had time to stew. One thing I know I am damn good at and I wish I were not is over analysing things and stewing.  I know I will have more of these moments, as time passes and opinions, feelings and events make personal insecurities surface, but I am glad my Master recognised it and corrected it before it took hold too much.  I have spent too many years of my life with that I don’t give a damn independent attitude, it has taken my Master months to get it down to the level it is at now. A lot of quite uncomfortable months for me getting used to the expectation and demand that I will not hide my emotions or thoughts from him… Not that I can very well anyway! Right from the start I have not been able to control my emotions when near my Master; my Master knows this well and also knows me well enough to know if I am attempting to hide.

It took me a bit of digging about, but I realise that the attitude I had at that moment, I personally would align better with Hubris. Hubris, by contrast to pride, involves an arrogant tone and satisfaction in oneself in general. Hubris tends to be associated with more internal individual, negative outcomes. Hubris can be seen in expressions of aggression and hostility. It is not necessarily associated with a high self-esteem, contrary to popular opinion, but with fluctuating self-esteem. At the time and I recognise still, my self esteem is not in a good place. It is fluctuating. Even though a part of me accepts that I want this, I want an end to this marriage, I want and need to be with my Master; it still feels like a failure. After 17 ½ years I have failed to keep a marriage intact – even though I know that there were two parties to the marriage and quite a lot of shit has gone off on both sides over the years – it still feels deep inside like I have failed. Even though my Master has spoken at length with me and told me repeatedly it is an acceptable failure… to me it still is a failure. It is not often I fail in life. If I do something, it is always with 100% commitment, 100% attention. Failure for me is not acceptable. It’s a bastard when you do not have control over that failure and that is what my Master keeps trying to instil in me, that the failure was going to happen anyway because I did not have full control over the result. I agree with him, and understand that what he says is true. Master knows every little detail of what has happened over the past year and what has gone wrong in my own mind over the years. He knows the major mistakes I have made in the marriage and how I feel about them.  In any case, the negative feelings associated with failure do make me want to hide and disappear into a black space where no one can see me or hurt me. Where I can just curl up and not exist, not hurt anyone else, or allow anyone else to hurt me. It makes me want to bring my defences up and the only persons just now getting past that is my boys and my Master… The only person seeing everything is Master. I have to be strong for the boys; they can NOT know how I feel under any circumstances. They are number 1 priority.

Anyways, apparently excessive feelings of hubris have a tendency of creating conflict and sometimes terminating close relationships. Hubris is generally considered one of the few emotions without some positive functions. Though it is easy to argue the opposite, examples of the evil of hubris are used regularly to introduce people into more selfless values–”Hitler had a lot of hubris”, etc.  Hmm, there is a little part of that sentence that sticks… Terminating close relationships… probably the reason I felt it in the first place – terminating myself from that relationship.

I read somewhere – and I am narked that I cannot remember where, but I read that there is nothing lonelier or more destructive than a woman imprisoned by her sense of pride. I can understand this. It would be easy to slip into a place where I do not let people in because I am too concerned with being able to do things myself or because I have gotten myself locked into a position that I have taken on something, some extreme statement, ultimatum or rule. If I am honest, I think I have been there before, a long time ago and quite often at various stages of my failed marriage. Where I have assumed an attitude of hubris, of pridefulness in some silly attempt to protect myself from others.  Later, it often seems silly but I have no way to back down. I have gone and made a cage for myself. It is also, I realise now a little silly to assume this attitude to try to protect yourself from others hurting you… that act of hurt has already happened – that is the reason you are assuming the emotion! Actually recognising that, recognising the emotion on your own though is hard, which is why I am so thankful my Master did and pulled me up about it. When you are filled with anger and hate and proud to show someone you can achieve something they said you could not, it is hard for me to take a step back. I have major issues in stepping back from my emotions. Unlike others I know, I personally cannot do it.

Now, how do they relate to being kajira?…  

Hubris, pridefulness is unacceptable. It may be just a fleeting passing emotion that once pulled to account by a Master or someone, it is corrected… or it could caused by a deep set gripe. Either way, it is unacceptable. It takes your focus of attention from your Master, from where it should be and puts it firmly on yourself, on this inflated, angry, empty victory… and it is an empty victory. The only person you are fighting with this emotion is yourself. The only person being alienated is you.  Hubris is an introspective emotion it eats away inside. It most certainly does not produce a pleasant person to be around.  Pridefulness is an emotion that our Masters should pull us on immediately, each and every time it shows. If we are to grow as a person, grow as kajira into everything we can and are able to be, we need that support and holding to account.  In addition, our Master’s should not tolerate it at all either.  Why should they put up with a haughty female? We are not free; we are not of dominant character. Just as we need them to help us grow, in the same breath they do not have to tolerate any aspect of us they do not like. Why should they? The can take their time to change us – if they wish to… but they certainly should not and do not tolerate bad behaviour.  

Pride…

Pride is a necessary emotion. It is needed at some levels within each individual for us to function within life. Without pride we cannot love, hate, feel happiness, sadness and have a basic sense of self worth. In relation to being kajira, you cannot exactly take effective care of your Master’s property without having a basic inherent self worth.  Pride is what as kajira, as submissive we feel when we accomplish a task set, when we do trivial little things for our Masters, when we think and act with them in mind. It is that part of that sense of achievement we feel when we obey, when they push us further than we believe we can go and we succeed. A kajira needs to have some sense of pride, but for me nothing beats what I feel when I hear my Master say “good girl”. Two little words that when I hear them, mean the world to me. They mean I have done something right. I have pleased him.  I feel proud then, proud I have been able to make him happy and please him. It drives me to try harder for him.  Pride is a useful emotion, very useful I suppose for Master’s… it allows them to control us better!

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