A year before I met my slave (precious), I had discovered how important the Lifestyle would be for me. And because I was only beginning to learn about the lifestyle, and what my role could possibly be in it, all of my time was spent online. I met My precious on line, in a virtual world called Second Life. She was the smartest of any of the girls I had been “talking” to, and we grew together. I introduced her to her submissive side, and I felt fully comfortable accepting her eventual submission to me as my slave.
When I met my slave, I created a profile on FetLife and claimed that I was doing very well in a 24/7, TPE, Master/slave relationship that is also a long distance one. However, we only communicate via our computers, and have never met in person. We have maintained contact using internet chat and voice, essentially all day, and every day since we met, but we naturally wish our physical circumstances were much more favorable. Our intimacy was enjoyed in our vivid imaginations and it challenged our skills of communication between us.
However, I found it difficult to discuss that having my physical needs met was crucial to my being a healthy Dom. I initially did not hide, but instead tried to be frank and candid with my precious slave. Although I remained honest about my personal physical needs with her at that time, I feel as though the issue remained wholly unresolved and hidden since then. It was easier to enjoy My precious while we were together (on-line, as usual), than it was to create disruption by discussing something that couldn’t be resolved without hurting her. She had stated her understanding of my needs, but I believe she did not accept that I would seek to meet them without her. Of course this hurt her, and it brought into question feelings that could jeapardize any relationship beyond repair: issues of trust, and commitment. Sadly, I believe that hurting her was totally unavoidable. I felt that hiding these feelings damaged our relationship, yet I would not allow a discussion about them disrupt the wonderful experiences we had together every day.
Separately, through email and chat beginning a year ago, I met a girl who I already knew from back when we were kids. I grew close to her, because I was teaching her to discover her submissive side as well. She eventually (and more recently) became My babygirl. The time I spent with babygirl in chat changed quickly to phone, and then within a few months, became plans for a weekend visit to her home, when I decided to drive six hours to see her. I think the pace was not so surprising, mainly because of my eighteen month personal dry spell, and the question became only for what distance was I willing to drive to end the drought. Details of our time together and the experiences we both had are insanely hot. Any significant bumps along the way had primarily to do with my dedication to being the owner of my precious slave, and the conflicted feelings I had about my physical needs and desires, versus feelings of faithfulness to My precious.
The purpose of writing this now, is to be honest with myself, and provide myself with some self respect. I believe I can save and heal the relationship I have with My precious in England, and I can nurture it. And also nurture the relationship I have with My babygirl at the same time. This is something I have struggled with ever since meeting My babygirl. I had no idea how either relationship would grow, and hoped for the best. Separately, each relationship on its own has grown to be very desirable today. But together, this has complicated my life and also theirs. I owe it to all three of us to be honest and straightforward as much as possible, and as quickly as possible.
Now, I need to find a way to put the pieces together in a healthier way. I need to come clean with My precious, even though she might get hurt. I believe that we can thrive someday soon, even though things are quite messy for us today. It will take a great deal of care and sensitivity on my part, and a great deal of forgiveness on hers. I can not deny my own needs just for her, by committing to abstain from intimacy with My babygirl, or anyone else. I refuse abstinence – is that selfish of me? Or is it selfish of her to insist upon establishing a commitment between us, that I abstain from intimacy until we finally meet in person? Without making selfishness the issue, I believe it is more selfish trying to control the activities of another person, than for that person to refuse to be controlled.
This weekend I went to a barbecue and met some people who are members of FetLife, and to whom I can connect through FetLife and can enjoy getting to know them. If she looks, My precious will easily find them within my profile friends. She will easily look to see that they are within the same geographic area, and that I met many during the same weekend. And so she will identify the activities I have been reluctant to tell her about.
The profile in FetLife remains to this day, showing that I am Master to My precious slave. But I am at a turning point, now, because I have met people in person, who are also in FetLife, and I would like to make the connections with them in this network. I need to do something, because I have sheltered My precious from elements that would make her sad. For example, imagining her Master with someone else in a Dom/sub relationship of any kind, would hurt her, and she has been hurt by this in the past. Unfortunately, I can not protect her from this hurt any longer. The long distance relationship is no longer something that will hide the activities that I do without her. I need to be honest with her and with Myself.
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