I found and subscribed to a very interesting web-feed today. It’s a website called “submissive guide“, and from what I saw, the site is set up to send out by email daily journal prompts to help submissive and erotic-slave types to keep their journal writing fresh and oriented towards maintaining and communicating clearly why we choose to serve. As I perused the list of recent journal prompts on the website, I came across one that definitely piqued my interest:
~~~>Do you find obedience to be easy for you?<~~~~
Wow. That’s really a good question. I’ll try to come up with an equally good answer.
Okay, I can’t deny it… I’m a brat. I’m a brat. I’ll say it one more time: I’m a brat. I don’t like being a brat. I don’t like myself when I’m being bratty. It’s like eating things that aren’t good for us. We know that potato chips have little or no nutritional value, and we know that they will make us fat in the long run. But they taste so damn good, so when they’re around, we grab a handful without thinking too much about it. It’s not like we think, “Ooo, if I eat few more hands full of these greasy chips I might be able to get my cholesterol up over 350!” It’s more like, “Mmmmm, chips!”
That’s the way bratty behavior works for me. I guess the smartass in me finds it funny. If Madam asks me a question, any question, my brain reflexively (in most cases, I’m ashamed to admit) offers a bratty comeback. These comebacks don’t always come out of my mouth, but very often they do. These bratty comebacks come out at work, they come out in grocery stores, on the telephone, in social situations generally. I don’t seem to have much control over these bratty thoughts that pop into my head. What I do have control over is whether or not I allow these thoughts to come out of my mouth. I pick and choose which smartass remarks come out at work. I guess Madam hears more than her share of these smartass-answers-to-straight-forward-questions because we’re together a lot and because we’re so familiar with each other. I’m just more relaxed around Madam.
If Madam asks me a question and I answer with a smartass remark, then I’m not being obedient. I will say this in my own defense: I don’t want to be a brat. I don’t talk back at Madam because I want to be punished or to challenge her authority over me. It’s a reflex. And I love and appreciate Madam more than she knows for helping me to break this reflexive characteristic inside of me.
I have to wonder, where did this bratty reflex come from? What is the origin of this behavior in me? The only thing I can think of is that I’m very smart, much smarter than the average person, I think. Throughout my life, I’ve tended to figure things out, make connections, see patterns, and remember things much more readily than most people I’ve known. Being a bratty smartass is the superior, arrogant smarty-pants coming out in me. I guess it’s a way that I learned early on to flaunt my intelligence over people around me that I perceived as less intelligent than I am. Not that I’m suggesting that Madam is less intelligent than I am; Madam is highly intelligent, at least my equal. Madam and I simply have different areas of expertise.
I think at this point in my life, the reflexive smartass thing is just a habit, less arrogant and more part of who I’ve trained myself to be. Most people who know me are (I think) mostly charmed by my silly intelligence and wry humor… I mean, I’m not cruel or mean to people; I’m just a smartass. In the case of Madam P, on the other hand, while she is charmed and turned on by my intelligence, sometimes she just wants a straight answer to a direct question; she doesn’t want to have to match wits with me every time she asks a question.
Which brings me back to the question: do I find obedience to be easy for me? I love being obedient, but only to Madam P. I don’t always like it, but I know that it’s good for me. I know it’s good for me because, once I’ve pushed through my initial impulse to resist and be a brat, it feels so good (and erotic) to do exactly as Madam has commanded me to do. If it feels good, it must be good.
Obedience does not always come easy for me. For anyone other than Madam, I say, good luck telling me what to do. I am, however, very drawn to “compelled obedience”. I WANT to be obedient to Madam. I especially love doing things that Madam has commanded me to do that I REALLY, REALLY DO NOT WANT TO DO! It’s like, taking a beating, submitting to a spanking or a flogging, or being tied to chair or a table for several hours at a time, it’s not pleasant, I don’t particularly enjoy the pain or discomfort, but I love, love, LOVE basking in that feeling that Madam has absolute power over me, that she has all the power and I have none. I love that feeling. That feeling quiets the brat inside my head, and it brings out the adoring pet in me. In those times when Madam has been exercising her control over me, putting me in a cage for a few hours, making me sleep handcuffed, giving me commands, or even repeatedly, verbally reminding me of my place, the brat goes quiet in my head, and the slave-girl in me wants to follow Madam everywhere she goes and dote on her, touch her, kiss her, or just sit at her feet staring up at her face.
I LOVE being obedient to Madam P. But I would not say that obedience comes easy for me. Madam P is my hero, for helping me to quiet the brat within so that, in time, perhaps obedience will come more and more easily… but only for Madam P and for those she tells me I must obey. To all others, good luck with that!
Missy
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