Madam P has energized me today. I woke up tired and worn down feeling. Madam informed me first thing that she is taking me to a play party tonight and that she has plans for me. At first I felt a little apprehensive and leery. I thought for a moment that all I want to do tonight is to hide out, rest, recharge my battery. That feeling did not last.
Madam and I lead busy lives. We get precious few opportunities to get out into the kink community, to parties and events. Madam P and I don’t really get many opportunities for overt play and focused slave training. I long to be Madam’s good girl. When Madam P takes me in hand and directs me in a way that allows me to feel just how in control she is of my life, the feeling that flows through my body is like electric heroin, like spiritual crack cocaine. The feeling runs through my body, igniting a wild fire within every single cell of my body. I want that feeling. I want more. I crave it. When I don’t experience that feeling for long periods of time, I get agitated and cranky. I start looking around for things to get into that might act as a substitute for that “submissive high” that I crave so much.
I don’t know where this craving comes from in me. All I do know is that it has always been there. I’ve been chasing that submissive buzz all my life. I’ve gotten into trouble in pursuit of that buzz. I’ve turned my will over to people who have done me harm, and I’ve forced my submission onto people who never wanted it. For the first time in my life I’ve met a Madam who not only wants my submission, but she’s also learning how to play my submissive heart the way a virtuoso plays a fine Stradivarius violin. Madam is learning how to take my submission and use it to create a beautiful harmony of love and devotion within the never ending honeymoon that is our marriage.
So when Madam announced that she is taking me to a play party tonight (the first one we’ve been to in many, many months), I slowly started to glow from the inside out. I started feeling stronger, healthier, more joyful. The anticipation of what Madam P has in mind for tonight has begun that soft, sweet song humming deep within my submissive heart. The longing begins, to surrender my body and soul, to offer up every ounce of who and what I am to Madam P for her sole amusement and pleasure.
There’s something about being Madam’s good girl, about doing what I’m told, pushing through embarrassment and humiliation at having my submission so exposed in front of others, that intensifies the high. It’s one thing to obey without arguing when Madam tells me to get into my cage and lock myself in within the privacy of our own home. It’s a completely different level of surrender when Madam orders me to sit at her feet, or cuffs and gags me, or whatever she has in mind, in plain sight for others to comment on and observe. The second agreement of the power exchange contract that I signed with Madam P states that “I agree to strive to overcome feelings of guilt or shame, and all inhibitions that interfere with my capability to serve Madam and limit my growth as Her submissive.” Very rarely does Madam put me into a position in which I get to test and demonstrate this particular agreement. I very much look forward to the opportunity tonight to demonstrate for Madam P the depth of my submission to her within the context of releasing attachment to modesty by overcoming shame and inhibitions and obeying her every command even though others may be watching.
I’m prepared to do anything for Madam. I AM Madam’s submission-buzz-whore!
Missy
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