I’m in uncharted territory here. I love to write, and I love to journal. Today, though, I find myself at a complete loss for words. Madam P seems to have crossed a threshold. Yesterday’s slave training exercise felt a lot like “experimenting with the lifestyle” got left behind, and “living the lifestyle” began in earnest.
I’ve never felt what I’m feeling today. I’m having a great deal of difficulty putting words to what’s happening inside my slave-heart. Madam P reached me at the core of who I was born to be, reached me at a level that I didn’t even know existed. Last night, Madam took possession of my soul; Madam used love, and she used complete domination and abandoned playfulness, and she drew out my inner being, my inner child… Madam won over my inner child. My inner child has never trusted another human being… until now.
I’ve been topped before. And I’ve surrendered before. But I’ve never been lovingly possessed, truly possessed, until now.
Madam took me in hand last night. She stripped me naked, placed shackles on my wrists and ankles, and earplugs in my ears. I was placed in my cage, wrists secured to the bars above my head, chain attached to my collar, threaded through the shackles around my crossed ankles, and secured to the bars at the side of the cage. Madam blindfolded me, locked the cage door, and covered the cage with a heavy blanket.
There was something so different about the way that Madam handled me this time. She was confident, authoritative. Madam knew exactly what she wanted to do with me. There was no hesitation. Madam made no inquiry into what I wanted. I felt, really felt, for the first time that Madam has finally come to accept me as her personal property, to love, to tease, to train, to do with what she wills. Prior to yesterday I honestly believed that my surrender to Madam P was complete, but I’d never felt the fullness of my surrender until last night when (I believe) Madam finally accepted my full surrender for the first time.
After Madam left me like that in my cage a good long while, and after she finished tormenting me to her heart’s content (poking me with sharp objects and spraying me with ice cold liquids), Madam lead me out of the cage and ordered me to “show” (hands and feet flat on the floor, ass high in the air, legs spread open wide.) I’d never heard so much authority in Madam’s voice as when she commanded, lips close to my still plugged ear, “Show! Get up!” Madam kept me in that position, screaming out loud with pain and ecstasy but not daring to fall or move, for quite a while. Then Madam did something that flipped a switch inside of my heart; I knew in a flash of insight that Madam was in total possession of my soul…. Madam grabbed the back of my knee and pushed my knees to the carpet, and then she grabbed me by the back of my neck and forced my face to the floor. That gesture, the authority and command radiating through Madam’s tight grip directly into the base of my skull, erased all illusions that my life is my own.
By the time Madam ended her carefully thought out training exercise last night, I knew what had just happened. Madam has come to understand who I am; she sees me like no one ever has before. And Madam has discovered the hidden fortress within her own heart where her dark, forbidden desires are kept hidden away, too terrible to let anyone know they are there. I believe that Madam has discovered that my absolute submission, my total surrender is, in fact, THE KEY THAT UNLOCKS THE DOOR TO THAT FORTRESS!
My heart tells me that Madam and I have become inextricably bound, over and above the incredible love we’ve shared over the years, over and above the bonds of matrimony. It feels as though we’ve wandered into a space from which no path of return exists. I hope this feeling is real. I hope that what I’m experiencing is more than some post-subspace after glow. Wouldn’t it be nice if this feeling goes on and on, day after day, year after year, lifetime after lifetime? Wouldn’t it be nice if my entire existence from this day forward can only be defined relative to Madam P’s existence? I love the feeling of that thought.
Missy
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