Servitude, Free Will, and Love

Like so many aspects of self, I find there is a tension within me of what appear to be polar opposites. Much in the way that all human beings have both extrovert and introvert traits, and it would be overly simplistic to call any human being simply an “introvert” or “extrovert” – so too I find in myself a strong desire to control everything and yet to submit to other people’s control too. The awareness of, and search to understand, this tension perhaps truly began when I encountered the Gorean or BDSM culture within Second Life – which both repelled and attracted me.

At first I considered it a weakness of character that would lead someone to allow another person to treat them like a slave. I recognized their right to choose to engage in such behaviour, but found it personally cringe-worthy, especially when the people who practiced it did so in public non-BDSM-specific bars. I saw such public displays of “master” “slave” as rather pathetic cries for attention, why couldn’t they just do it in IM like every other lovey-dovey couple should be doing? I found it equally gag-worthy when any other sets of lovers would engage in the same public in-your-face way of talking – whether heterosexual, furry or homosexual. An extra reason I found such displays distasteful was that I knew of far too many situations where new couples flaunted their love and lust in the face of old lovers, in a way that embarrassed and deeply hurt the old flame. So un-necessary, so cruel.

The more I’ve learnt about BDSM culture, rather than come to see such public displays as more natural and understandable, I have come to the opinion of quite the opposite. In fact, the depth of the master-slave combination is in their dedication to each other and each other’s full knowledge of that – it does not require or even naturally lend to public displays of that intimate relation they share. There are situations where the relationship can and should be openly conveyed because it heightens the experience and fullness of what they share – and sims and bars dedicated to such displays make perfect sense. Having said that of course there aren’t hard and fast rules about how one must behave in sexual relations (besides age and consent of course!) – BDSM or otherwise – but since when has that ever stopped people forming opinions about the best and most consistent way in which to conduct oneself? Indeed, much of the BDSM culture lends itself to rules and “the right way to do things”, so arguably more than other sexual cultures, rules and expectations should apply…

All this thinking lead me one day to let a friend “collar” me just for the hell of it. He was only a friend, there was no sexual aspect involved, just the basics of a master-slave set-up. To see what emotions it brought out in me. Which was when I fully encountered the tension I mentioned at the start of this post: the desire to be in control, and yet to control. The collaring immediately marked out his position to mine – he had the right to tell me what to do, and I had the obligation to obey. For that position to each other to make sense though it quickly became obvious that there had to be boundaries set up – how much could he demand of me and what would happen in the face of disobedience. I loved the certainty and clarity of the situation, there was a simplistic clean beauty to it all. But at the same time I knew I could never meaningfully surrender my free will to him (or anyone) and that every time he asked me to do something I did make my own decision about whether to obey or not, and would not have willingly given that up. In fact I decided it would have felt more natural to be in the one in control of him – allowing me to maintain control and still have the clarity and beauty of our positions in respect to each other. But I also liked being controlled, and round and round the thought-spiral went…

In my continued research in an effort to understand this tension, I have come to realise that it is not so much a polar opposites situation, as a symbiotic relationship between the two parts of myself: In order to give yourself and your moment-by-moment decision-making over to someone else, you must first make the conscious and willing decision to do so. The person may extend the power they have over you to giving others permission to “use” you aswell, but again this is an expression of the trust you put in the original master in the first place. Trusting another person so utterly in this way – in a way that might endanger your physical and certainly your mental health – flows most naturally from deep love and respect. The knowledge that doing so pleases them and that they desire to own you in such a personal and complete sense, is best laid in foundations of love rather than random strangers you happen across one day on a sim. Again, not that there is anything “wrong” per se with the desire to have strangers control you, but it appears to me to lack the depth, the meaning and the intensity of the giving that is founded in love.

I have always felt that utter dedication to another human being, when I love them – that they could ask anything of me, even to do favours for another person I’d never met, and that I would do so because it would please them and make them happy, and in turn strengthen our bond and my own happiness. You could comfortably argue that this sort of dedicated love is at the heart of very strong and long-lasting friendships too. The odd thing perhaps is that this dedication to a lover is at its strongest early on in the relationship – when hormones are blinding you and you would do anything to have them, and alternately strongest for a friendship only once it has existed for a very long time. I’ve always found this dedication to be its most complete and commanding in situations of unrequited love, which can continue for many painful years.

As someone who needs to control and understand as much as I possibly can in my life, I can see how the BDSM lifestyle would naturally appeal to me – but in the slave position. That’s because feeling the endless driving desire to control an out of control world, is exhausting and ultimately futile. To pass that control over to someone else so my brain and body could for just a while stop the pointless task, would grant a huge sense of relief. Which is to say that my exact desire to control is why I should let myself be controlled.

I find these twin desires – to control and to have someone else take control – have intensified since having my son. In the first instance this is because I love him so utterly and completely, I would do anything for him, without limitation – my money, my health, my very life, I would give them up to secure his. I find myself pushing my personal (emotional and physical) resources to their absolute limit, to the point of not being able to move or think (and frankly with my health problems lately, not even been able to breathe), in an effort to give him everything he needs. And he needs a lot because of his autism. It is very common for me to hear people tell me that I shouldn’t let my son control me so much – that it’s not healthy for him or for me. So everyday I try to find the balance between doing everything I can for him, and yet retaining my own identity and existence.

Sometimes it all gets too much and I give in to letting other people care for him for a while – let go of the deep anxiety I feel with giving up that control. And you can see already that the control is going in both directions here: He is controlling my life in almost every conceivable way, but at the same time in letting him do that I am in control too because due to my constant presence around him as I dedicate myself to meeting his every need, I am retaining control over his environment and experiences – anything he does is in my sight and with my approval (in essence). I am an anxious parent, sure, but so would any human being be in my situation, where your child can’t communicate their needs by normal means and when the tiniest change in their environment can set off a violent endless tantrum due to sensory issues.

So to me it’s become clearer that these notions of control, servitude, free will and love, are closely related. There is far more so a naturalness than un-naturalness to them. They aren’t just at the sexual level, they are useful ways to try to understand other types of love too – the relationships we have with family and friends will frequently contain clear elements of control and servitude, and knowing which position you are in in relation to each other helps clarify your obligations and expectations. Yet at the same time the two types of roles – the controlled and the controller – are bound to each other in ways that break down the division – to the point that it is often said that the real person in control, is the slave – for reasons such as the dependency the controller has on them, and the fact that the initial relationship to each other is reliant on the permission of the slave rather than that of the master.

As much as we’ve tried to shun the stepford wives model of living with each other, many couples still make the active choice to live that way – it gives a functional simplicity, it lowers stress, everyone knows where they stand in relation to each other. Similarly in the face of the endless complexities and stress of everyday life – particularly as women try the supermum thing – does it not make sense that there would be an increased interest and participation in a sexual lifestyle that spells out the rules clearly and gives you permission to give up control for a while?

For me, this is still all theory rather than practice. I am a wuss perhaps because I cannot go along with giving myself over so completely to anyone – my fears get in the way. And so you can see that again, it is not the weak who lend themselves to slavehood, but rather people who have a strength that I for one lack. There is an utter freedom in giving up control over yourself, in giving over the decision making. And by giving it to someone you love, it is in turn a beautiful and meaningful thing too.

I’m the product of a world that told me I could do everything and have everything, with slogans from the 80’s of “women can do anything” shoved into my consciousness at every turn. What they forget to mention is that having everything is not possible, and by aiming at the impossible you are always left feeling like you have failed. That you should have, could have, done more, and the only person to blame for the shortfall is yourself. At least when you choose to give up control for a while, even if only in one sector of your life, you’re freed of that burden and get to simply exist. That would be nice, aye.