what tack to take

Tops usually tend to initiate negotiations, but I will take this on myself if I find my potential partner isn’t as dominant in that regard as I am. I’ve noticed that the questioning style I use is a little bit different than other approaches I’ve encountered.

Dominant tops I have known tend to start their inquiry by putting an open-ended statement into conversation and progressing in a neutral way from there.

In contrast, I tend to observe what’s being said by the potential top and rephrase it in a way that probes for emotional investment. Generally I take what I’m given, recast it a bit in order to determine whether I can take it at face value, and go on from there to see where we end up. I like to plot out that person’s politics a bit, too, because I can size up their likely style of behaviour from that, and that is liable to generate further questions. Since the first thing I’m after is character assessment, I base a lot of my judgement on intuition, and this approach lets me observe a lot of nonverbal signs.

I do think the funnel strategy that dominant people often employ does work really well. This approach directs the conversation from a fairly broad sharing of preferences to probing for options to detailing the specifics at hand. The funnel strategy can be outfitted usefully with lots of open-ended statements in its first part; more speculative, collaboration-building questions in the middle, and closed questions that encourage a yes or no answer in its conclusive phase.

This approach depends totally on context, too, because noise levels and time contraints will often factor into information exchange. Sometimes it’s clear that a very concise interchange is all that’s needed.

However, if I were the dominant and got to have my way with me as a submissive (and the time-space continuum stayed intact), this is how I’d go about it:

Beginning (ice breakers, introductory questions):

How are you doing? How are you finding the x?

(yeah, there are probably better ways of starting a conversation than those)

How would you define your kinks?

(I prefer “How would you define your kinks?” to “What’s your kink?” because it takes me forever to work out what kind of answer to the second question is expected and/or exactly what I’m being asked. What I mean is, “What’s your kink” to me seems to solicit specific label identifiers, whereas the question “How would you define your kinks” feels much more open-ended and plural and less leading and reductive).

What can you tell me about your past experiences with x, or your attraction to x?

Can you tell me a little more about what you’re looking to find? (Why are you here?)

Middle (hypothetical/probing/focused/option-seeking)

What would happen if x?

What kind of elements might a good scene involve? (ie. what do you like, but more situation-specific), or, Describe a recent experience that did it for you…

What other ideas do you have?

What are your specific dislikes?

What are your physical limits or emotional considerations?

End (communication and insight-testing; details and logistics; clarification of consequences)

How much time would you like for x?

Safeword-aftercare-safe ride home-follow-up need questions (short answers)

Any additional clarifications necessary to ensure shared understanding, and/or a reflective restatement of what’s been expressed or decided upon.

Further questioning techniques for ongoing negotiations:

“What I need more of is…” and “what I need less of is…”

Identifying worse-case scenarios and fears. (My worst personal fear as a submissive is to be dismissed by my dominant partner and not find out for ages).

Making statements that start with “What puzzles me about … is …”, then working towards understanding. (a.k.a. the purpose of this blog).

Making graded statements: “What is easy for me to tolerate is… ”, “What is uncomfortable for me to tolerate is …”, and “What I am afraid to tolerate is …”. (Like a pain scale for bodywork, only broader).

To be honest, I haven’t had very much practice putting this questioning strategy into effect, but I suspect that’s the basic framework I might use.

Please do comment if there are things I’ve overlooked or if you’ve got suggestions.

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